This was just something i wrote for my son who has autism.... Just thought i'd share it with you. Thank you
MY Little Boy
I can post all the beautifuly written poetry that i find about Autism as i find it. and i can post all the videos and state all the facts like some automated recording. but now i'm going to post a message from my heart. Coming from me...just me! As i gaze at my son while he sleeps i am so grateful for him. Do i wish things were different? yes i wish my son didn't have autism but he does! so i am now ready to deal with it. No my grieving is far from over. i grieve for the future he will never have. i'm grieving for the moments already lost to autism. but now instead of soley grieving,i am now able to say okay,now what do i need to do. can i cry more? oh yes i cry almost daily, but not selfishly, i cry for the pain that my son goes through. i cry tears of joy at the smallest accomplishments he makes. things that a 1 or 2 year old makes. my son has just did it. my son is almost 5. so if you se me jumping up and down because my son has just learned to climb down my trailer steps and go to the car and hop into his seat by himself, do not laugh at me for this is important to all of us,no matter how trivial it may seem.
My son has always been a fussy baby(as most typical babies are) he hit every milestone on time. rolling over,sitting up,crawling,walking 2 days before his first birthday. we even praised him on the words he would say and waited for many more to come...they did not come. It stopped. I watched as one by one item of food became a torment to him. foods he used to love now he gags at the sight and fights tooth and nail to be near. i watched while all the other children ran outside laughing at birthday parties playing ring around the rosie,climbing up and sliding down slides and hopping on tricycles,noticing mine did not. he still cannot. they were two. he's almost five. i was tormented watching my son scream and hit himself in the head over and over when someone touched him or too many people got around him at one time. I constantly have to watch him since he does not know the meaning of danger like cars in the road.eveyday you have to stay two steps ahead because if you pick the wrong color cup or if you put a shirt on him without asking him which one he wanted in the first place.Forget bathtime and teethbrushing, and haircutting. he screams as i towl dry him because it hurts him. he screams when i didn't get the same toothpaste that he's used to. he screams because they have to hold his head when cutting his hair. and it gets worse as his cut hair falls on him. prickly to us...needles to him. i watch him as his need to calm himself does not include curling up with a picture book or lying down as i guess other kids would. no instead he flaps his hands like he's trying to fly. or he will line up his hotwheels, spin in circles, point to himself while making weird noises and funny faces. that's how he calms down. instead of having a playmate over he opts to be on the computer where he is king.
sounds like a brat...you say. sounds like he needs a good spanking. or here's one...if that was my child, he would not be like that. But what if this was your child? I do not want to "fix" my son. i just want him to grow up to have the best future he can have. We can all learn from Autism.My son is not mental also he is not disabled. he just has a different way of going about the world he was put in.
Now here is the good part....my son now can speak better. And on the days when i see him drawing back into himself, i now know that i can pull him back out. he echos less and now can ask foe most of what he wants. he no longer hits or bites himself. you can see him trying his best to calm himself down. he now lets me touch him. he endures my kisses and my hugs. And he is learning humor. he is also learning how to play pretend like other children. And my son is very smart. He can watch a video one time and turn it off and then mimic the whole video(sounds included) he can navigate through the computer almost better than an adult.Do not make empty promises because when you say you will do something...he will remind you two days later. you can go a certain route and he will remember it the next time stating"light green,go this way mommy" he could say and recognize his alphabets by right before age two.he can hear a song one time and sing all the way through the next go around only struggling a little.he memorized his momo's number after i showed him only twice.He is currently trying to learn Spanish words.He can do things on the xbox games that my husband has been trying to master for days.He watches me so well that i once walked in the kitchen and saw him dusting just like i do in the same routine that i do it in.
It's still very very hard. it's hard to see my son turn away food on a daily basis and watch as the numbers of his weight go down. it's hard knowing that he might be 7 or even 10 and still not potty trained. but for now, i'm just a mom doing the best that she can do. We might not be the best mom's and yes we sometimes feel like we can't go on,but we're doing it. and all we ask is not to be judged if yuo haven't walked at least a mile in our shoes. because after you walk it,believe me, yu won't be judging...you will be pushing your sleeves up in determination to beat this thing. and you'll be doing it with tears streaming down your face!